I offer counseling for relationships (marital/pre-marital/otherwise) aimed at increasing honest communication and decreasing the cycles which keep couples fighting the same fights. I love watching couples in counseling transform from rivals fighting one another to partners solving a problem together. Let me help you say what you mean and hear what they meant.
Marriage counseling might be right for you if these feel familiar:
You’ve become roommates with your significant other instead of a couple
Many couples fall into a routine within their relationships. When relationships begin, we feel excited and passionate about making connection. We seek out ways to spend time together and create new memories. We pour a lot of energy into the potential offered by new relationships. Eventually, we trade in spontaneity and adventure for consistency and predictability. When we find a good balance between the two, relationships work. When we let the energy of new relationships fall too far, we can become stuck in habits. Do all your evenings together look the same right now? Do your conversations (of lack thereof) feel redundant? Don’t just be friends with your partner; learn how to maintain a meaningful relationship.
You’ve experienced a significant betrayal or infidelity
Infidelity can rock a marriage to its core. I don’t just reserve the term infidelity for extramarital sex. An affair is characterized by deliberate deceit and the taking of something meant for the marriage outside of the marriage. Maybe that something is sex; maybe it is love. It might be time, money, drugs, alcohol, or work. While affairs always bring hurt to a marriage, they do not always bring destruction. Though the brush stroke of affairs are dramatic, they are but one stroke on a full canvas of the relationship.
You find yourself in a “score keeping” relationship
Score keeping is a favorite conflict of couples. It’s a quid-pro-quo relationship in which partners justify their inaction by the inaction of the other partner. It’s the “screw it, they never do X so why should I do Y” attitude. Or, “when you start X, then maybe I will Y”. This game is almost always represents feelings of resentment or feeling underappreciated. When we feel fulfilled, acknowledged, and respected in relationships we are much more willing to reach out to our partners without keeping score. When we do not, we use the score keeping as a stand in for our more honest emotion.
You, your spouse, or you both are “bringing home the leftovers”
Similar to becoming roommates instead of a couple, is the idea of giving our partners leftovers of ourselves. As we spend more and more time together, we stop putting our best selves into the relationship. We turn our attention towards being an employee, a parent, a friend and less towards being a husband, wife, or lover. We sell our best selves to our bosses, co-workers, and clients and then bring what’s left of ourselves back home to our partners. To break this, we have to become intentional about being the kind of partner we want to be.
You notice a lack of intimacy in the relationship
This is a concern many couples first bring to counseling. They notice a difference in emotional intimacy, their sex life, or both. What often comes to light during sessions is that the changes couples observe are the consequences of a gradual disengagement within the relationship. While kids, work, finances, and general responsibilities have grown within the relationship, the partnership itself has become overshadowed. While this gradual process can be subtle, the effects on intimacy become a bold point of contention.
Make your marriage a priority. Use the button below to send me an email and request an appointment.
Related Blog Posts: Five Ways To Fight Better