All relationships are going to experience conflict. The most successful relationships are those where partners are able to make their arguments useful. Here are five tips to fighting better.
1. It’s not About the Content
Many disagreement between partners quickly become pedantic about the minute details shared on either side. We get too caught up picking apart the words used or the smallest of facts that we miss what the actual argument is about.
That fight about who did the chores last is probably not actually about the dishes. It’s probably about not feeling respected, or feeling exhausted, or feeling lonely, or feeling taking advantage of. The dishes only serve as a landing spot for the overarching emotion.
Your relationship is not a courtroom, stop arguing about the content of an argument and begin discussing the emotions behind the content.
2. Every Complaint Holds a Need
If we are able to look past the content of complaints, then we can begin to uncover the blueprint of resolution. Hidden in complaints are unstated needs. Sure it would be helpful if our partners would just lead with their need, but we cannot count on this. That would require them to be aware of their need and to be able to articulate it well. It would also mean they can make the connection between frustration at content and the underlying need in order to communicate it in the moment. Maybe one day your partner will be able to do this, until then, you’re better off taking matters into your own hands and searching for the needs hidden within complains.
Complaint: “You often forget to follow through on things you say you will do and I need to remind you or just do it myself.”
Need: “I need to feel like we are partners. I need to feel like I can trust you when you say you will do something. I need to feel supported as a spouse and a parent.”
3. Are You Hearing to Hear or Hearing to Rebuttal?
If you want to create better communication between you and your partner, you have to practice letting go of defensiveness. This seems to be one of the most difficult tasks of couples, but also perhaps the most important. As long as we are approaching conflicts with an attitude of “winning” or convincing our partners to agree with us, we are only escalating the problem. Remember, arguing the validity of the argument’s content completely misses the emotional needs being presented.
Often couples get into what I call a “rebuttal match” where they mimic a tennis match as each partner volleys a new rebuttal back and forth to one another. Neither partner is hearing what the other is saying, they are only listening for ways to prove the other partner wrong.. They are listening to the words but ignoring the emotions being shared. To quote marriage counselor, Esther Perel, “do you want to be right or do you want to be married?”
4. Invite to a Solution and Not to a Battle
So much of the art of learning to fight better lies in understanding how to express a complaint and a need without invoking our partner’s insecurities and self-defenses. It’s well known that facing a struggle together can bring people closer. If you can learn how to invite your partner to help create a solution instead of inviting them to defend themselves, you will find much more value from conflicts.
Inviting to a solution rather than a battle means using “I statements” in which you express your concerns through explaining what emotions you feel and also what you need. It means learning to listen well through validating, reflecting, and clarifying comments.
It also means dropping these words from you conversation: “you”, “always”, and, “never”. These three will almost certainly trigger defense mechanism unless they are used very carefully. Your best bet is to limit them as much as possible.
Here these statements and decide which you think invites to solve a problem and which invites to a battle:
“I feel lonely lately and I need to spend some quality time with you”
Or
“You are always at work and don’t care that I am at home alone most of the time”
5. Stop Keeping Score
As tempting as it is to keep a running record of all the ways our partner has failed to meet our expectations, this only serves to create friction in the relationship. It is almost never helpful and its is damaging for a couple of reasons. One, it creates a quid-pro-quo relationship where needs are not met because partners care about one another, but instead because they are rules of some imaginary relationship game. When they are met, they are not interpreted through the lens of care, but rather through the lens of expectation. Neither party will enjoy that.
Two, this mindset creates a sense of entitlement and/or contempt. Its gives partners permission to not be the best partner they can be because they feel slighted by their significant other. Suddenly a mindset of, “I’ll be good for you when you are good for me first”, takes control and each member looks across the battlefield waiting for the other to make a move all the while becoming more and more resentful of their partner and more and more validated in their position.
Want Personalized Advice?
I’d love to help you and your partner or spouse communicate more effectively and develop a more authentic, intimate, and fulfilling relationship. Clicking the button below will take you to my contact page where you can complete the form to send me an email. I generally can respond to these emails within the same business day.
Meet the author
Ben Taylor is a counselor in Johnson City and Kingsport, TN. He provides counseling for adolescents, adults, and couples. He specializes in treating Anxiety related concerns including OCD, Panic, Social Anxiety, and PTSD. He also works closely with couples seeking to increase effective communication, navigate infidelity, and rekindle past romances.
Ben sets himself apart of other counselors by making therapy a more personal experience. He works well with clients new to therapy and challenges the notion of what it means to be in therapy. Ben strives to make therapy a more normal experience by developing a sincere interest in his clients, balancing humor and honesty, and offering a non-judgmental space for creating your ideal self. He takes pride in creating a counseling experience that is genuine enough for laughter and tears but honest enough to talk about what needs to be changed.