I have sat across the couch from a lot of clients since entering into the counseling world. I have learned that we all have a version of the “I’m Not Good Enough” story.
We might have different versions of this story. Some might have the original release (“not attractive enough”, “not social enough”, “not interesting enough”, “not smart enough”) while others of us might have the revised and expanded editions (“not a good enough father/mother”, “not a good enough spouse”, “not successful enough”).
Let me tell you how it goes; if you could follow my brain over the course of a year, you might hear any of the following chapters at some point:
I’m not a good enough husband
I’m not a good enough father
I’m not smart enough
I”m not a good enough counselor
I don’t work hard enough
I work too much
I’m not a good enough son
I’m not a good enough friend
I’m too short
I’m too lazy
I’m not responsible enough
Do these thoughts sound familiar to you? Probably. And I would consider myself fairly well-adjusted. They are familiar to most of my friends and I have pretty well-adjusted friends as well. Many of my friends are counselors themselves. The ability to conjure up a negative self-image is just a part of the human experience.
When does your mind give you your story? Do you start to read it when you get in a fight with your spouse? When your child cries as you drop them off at daycare? What about when you think someone might be disappointed in you? When you miss out on a job? How about at night when the lights are dark, the tv off, and you sit alone with your thoughts?
And what do you do when you are offered your not good enough story? Do you dive back into its pages punishing yourself with every word? Do you have a favorite chapter? Is it the one about being a lousy friend or do you prefer the story of how unattractive you are?
As you begin to pour through your favorite worst book, what happens to your behavior? Do you continue to build relationships? Do you open yourself up to be engaged in community with others? When you’re reading your not good enough story, do you take chances, seek adventure, or create movement in your life? Perhaps, instead, you notice that you become quite, withdrawn, irritable. Your world will reflect the narrative you read. When we dive into our not good enough story we run the risk of it becoming our identity.
When our stories transcend from thoughts to descriptions, we no longer think,”boy, I feel like a loser right now”, and instead we say, “I am a loser.” and when we say, “I am a loser”, we narrow the opportunities we have for responding to the world. Our brain sinks into its database pulling out the “loser” folder and following whatever script has been written inside. When identity becomes fused with the worst chapters of our story, a version of ourselves written in the past begins penning our present.
I am frequently witness to the desperate question, “how do I stop feeling like this” or “I know I think like this but I don’t know how to stop”. The clear message here is that in order for you to be well, you must first get rid of your not good enough story. That’s where I deliver bad news.
You don’t get to abandon your story. You don’t get to stop having the thoughts and the invitations to reread your story. You have been rehearsing this story for decades and it’s here to stay. None of my well-adjusted therapist friends have gotten rid of theirs either and we’re supposed to be the experts. There are no magic tricks or words that will make you erase your not good enough story.
But it doesn’t matter because there is a better goal to be pursued. One that offers more freedom than attempting to get rid of the narrative. Because when we set a goal of not hearing our story, we begin to structure our world and relationships to avoid the things that might trigger our story. And when we live to avoid discomfort we also avoid the moments which bring joy and value to our lives. You are not called to get rid of your not good enough story; you are only supposed to stop living it.
Try this thought experiment:
Imagine you are able to attend your own funeral (sorry for getting dark). You get to move about the room unnoticed and hear the words people are using to reflect on your life. As you listen into the conversations, what do you hope that you will hear?
Do you hope that people say things like: “Ben sure was great, he never felt anxious or lonely. He never faced embarrassment or thought negative about himself. I loved how he avoided feeling guilt, disappointment, rejection, and sadness”.
Or do you hope to hear: “She was really amazing. She was always willing to reach out to me when I needed it. She loved to spend time with her family. I always admired her humility, compassion, and kindness. She was such an honest, genuine, and thoughtful woman”.
Do you live to get rid of a story or do you live to create a new one?
Start by identifying your values. What brings you joy? When do you feel peace? When you look at people you respect, what are the values you admire in them? Jot these down somewhere and use them as the blueprint for your choices. If you put your values out front as the guidepost for your behaviors, what would you be doing differently?
Be willing to hear your story and name it when you hear it. You know it’s showing up when you feel shame, embarrassment, regret, anger, jealousy, and a host of other emotions. Say to yourself, “Oh yea, there’s my “I’m not good enough story”, I thought it might show up today.”
Imagine the words appearing on a page in front you. Then watch yourself closing the book, placing it under your arm, and picking up the book of your values. Open it and let it offer you advice. You don’t need to prove the not good enough story wrong or toss it in a shredder. It’s okay to hold it and carry it around with you but don’t let it become your guide.
About Ben
Ben Taylor is a counselor in Johnson City and Kingsport, TN. He provides counseling for adolescents, adults, and couples. He specializes in treating Anxiety related concerns including OCD, Panic, Social Anxiety, and PTSD. He also works closely with couples seeking to increase effective communication, navigate infidelity, and rekindle past romances.
Ben sets himself apart of other counselors by making therapy a more personal experience. He works well with clients new to therapy and challenges the notion of what it means to be in therapy. Ben strives to make therapy a more normal experience by developing a sincere interest in his clients, balancing humor and honesty, and offering a non-judgmental space for creating your ideal self. He takes pride in creating a counseling experience that is genuine enough for laughter and tears but honest enough to talk about what needs to be changed.
When you’re ready to experience counseling that moves you towards your ideal self or relationship, email Ben by clicking below.