How to Be Better at Setting Boundaries

How to Be Better at Setting Boundaries

It’s not uncommon to talk about boundaries in therapy sessions. Everyone has struggled to set a boundary at some point or another and, naturally, everyone has felt the consequences of missed boundaries.  When I talk about boundaries, I’m referring to the limits we set regarding our time, preferences, space, and energy. They can be big or small. Sometimes we set them naturally and other times they fill us with anxiety or other similarly distressing emotions.

Being able to set boundaries is important. Very important actually. It helps you feel in control, feel confident, feel represented, and reduces stress in your life. So why don’t we all set them as often as we should? The answer to that is complicated and might be another post one day but if you asked me to give an overgeneralized answer based on the thousands of conversations I’ve had with clients, it’s usually due to one or both of two things.

Either we get anxiety about someone else’s emotions or we feel shame about the boundary itself. There are exceptions of course, but nearly every example of not setting boundaries comes down to one or both of these feelings. We either anticipate our boundary is going to create tension or upset the other person and we decide we’d rather “suck it up” than risk that. Or we feel our limit is dumb, stupid, irrational, silly, etc and the shame of that cripples our confidence. 

The cruel part of learning to set more consistent boundaries is that it’s nearly impossible to get rid of those uncomfortable feelings without actually practicing boundary setting. You’ll have to be open feeling the distress of speaking up in order to teach your brain that it’s likely been predicting worse outcomes than are actually true. 

Right now, you likely know that you’re allowed to set boundaries. I would guess that you very much believe that to be a true statement AND you have a body which produces uncomfortable feelings which encourage you not to risk it. One part says you can, another part screams you shouldn’t.

Great, so what do I do about it?

If you’ve struggled to set boundaries, you probably recognize this tension. When an opportunity to set a boundary arises, you notice the quick calculation your mind goes through to decide whether the limit is worth the risk of upsetting the other person. Often the predicted conflict comes with such sudden feelings of anxiety or shame that we override our logical thoughts and hesitate. Then the moment passes and we feel frustrated, bitter, small, resentful, or some other frustrating emotion.

For this you’ll need to do two things. One, be willing to feel uncomfortable feelings. This will likely be a consistent price of the cost of setting boundaries. Two, help yourself not lose the battle between your logic and emotion. This is where my conversations with clients have been lately.

You likely already recognize when you should be setting boundaries. You probably  even recognize what you would like to say. You just haven’t been able to out compete the feelings of anxiety or shame your body feels when you predict what will happen.  Fixing this takes a lot of time and practice. No one blog or therapy session or TikTok will fundamentally change who you have been (though they can all be helpful). That said,  we can absolutely make changes to improve ourselves. When we can see and feel the value of doing hard things, we naturally find ourselves more willing to do those hard things. I want to give you a list of things to consider when you find yourself debating whether or not to set a particular boundary.

Why you should say yes to the anxiety and shame of setting boundaries:

  1. Boundaries help you be a whole person. You are allowed to have thoughts, opinions, and preferences. You are allowed to want and not want things. You are allowed to advocate for your own interest. These things make the identity of you, they give you depth. They give your life texture that others can feel, relate to, and connect with.
  2. They help you feel confident
  3. They reduce chaos and increase predictability in your life
  4. They improve relationships. Good relationships can handle conflict. Setting boundaries means people do not have to guess about how you feel, what you think, or what you want. Your relationships will be more honest and involve less guessing about how one another feels. You’ll also notice you feel less bitter or resentful towards relationships where someone makes frequent requests of you.
  5. Boundaries help others trust you
  6. Boundaries lead to richer and more authentic relationships
  7. They ultimately make you less anxious. Think about how secure it must feel to know that you can protect and advocate for yourself in most situations. The momentary anxiety you accept when setting a boundary can lead to a much sturdier sense of self in the future.

Setting the stage for getting started

Learning to set consistent boundaries will improve your life. You will never set them every time you want to. There’ll be some moments when it’s just not clear what you want to do. Regardless, the ongoing practice of learning to set limits is always rewarding in the end. The practice may be slow but it always moves forward.

And just like any other personal development whether it be physical health or mental health, you must ask yourself the same question:

“What uncomfortable thing am I willing to be open to in order to pursue a healthier version of me?”

If you’re training for a 5k running race for example, you might predict before you even start training that you will need to be open to feeling tired and sore. When these feelings show up, they do not arrive as signs to turn back but instead are accepted as the cost of progress. You may even notice that you feel a sense of pride for enduring them willingly. What will the cost of your boundary setting practice be? Anxiety? Shame? Something else? How proud will you feel when you open yourself up to feeling these in the service of your values?

Here’s an example script of what your self-talk might sound like as you find yourself trying to choose new boundaries:

“Yes this might create tension. I might experience a lot of anxiety in my body. I might feel embarrassed. They might feel hurt, or annoyed, or frustrated with me. All that is true and it’s hard to feel those things. And I believe I can handle these feelings because I have handled so many hard moments before. And I am willing to feel these emotions because they are the price of creating a more ideal version of myself.”

You’re doing great. No one is doing things perfectly. Yes, even the person you think is doing it perfectly. Go be a whole person who has thoughts and feelings and preferences about your time, energy, and body.