I work with a lot of couples in conflict. I’ve been a third party to conflict about parenting, money, sex, affairs, hopes, goals, and even sweet potatoes. Being a part of these discussions, I have learned that the facts of the conflict matter very little.
From my stance as an observer of the conflict, I can see that is almost every single conflict, both parties are “right” about something. In general, both members of the relationship are reasonable, honest, well-meaning people who have some amount of fact on their side.
The problem with arguing the facts of a conflict is that we miss the feeling, need, or hope being expressed. Far too often I watch couples get into heated battles over the facts of a conflict and miss the deeper message. Partner’s become so intent on being right, they forget to be together.
To immediately improve your communication skills, assume the other person could be right.
This does not mean you have to drop your own stance, but it does mean you are treating your partner with a degree of respect. Rather than proving your partner wrong, you are joining along side them to understand what makes this conflict so important to them. To assume they could be right means acknowledging they are reasonable, intelligent, and well-meaning.
I have heard many conflicts. Rarely (if ever) have I heard a conflict with only one truth. Humans are survivors who will fiercely fight to keep alive both their biological life and also their emotional/private validity. When challenged, we take up defenses designed to protect ourselves against an attacker.
These skills are great for protection but do little connection. Every time we “win’ a conflict, someone else “loses”. Either because they have finally given up after we refused to budge from our stance or our persistent urge to convince them how wrong they are has left them to feel ridiculous, immature, embarrassed, helpless, or naive.
To win a conflict means defeating someone important to you. Overtime this creates a power differential. As a relationship counselor, I’m here to tell you that not all relationships should have power hierarchies.
Ask yourself the following: can you believe in your feelings and thoughts without demanding your partner abandon theirs? Conflict can be an opportunity to connect or reject, what will you do with it?
At Summit, we have therapists trained in marriage and relationship counseling. We understand how to help couples drop their defensive patterns and learn to express needs and emotions in clear ways. Marriage therapy (or couples of all types) is a powerful and effective way to understand your partner and yourself in ways you may have never considered before. We understand how to create meaningful discussion around tense topics and would love to help you and your relationship experience the connective power of these conversations!
If you’re ready to get started communicating better, send us a message or give us a call: