Making Repairs in Relationships

Relationships are beautiful. They’re fun, exciting, comforting, steady. But, they’re also complicated sometimes. 

Whether it’s a relationship with your lover, your parents, your sibling, or a close friend, relationships can hit rough roads. Despite our best efforts and intentions we mess up. Or we miscommunicate. Or we drop the ball on a commitment. Or we have different opinions. 

Sometimes we hurt someone we care deeply about. When that happens the relationship experiences what we call a power differential. One person feels hurt by the other person despite the unspoken agreement that you wouldn’t hurt one another. Whether the hurt is a big disruption or a minor annoyance, some attempt at repairing the mutual agreement of respect is necessary to maintain healthy relationships.

So what should you do?

Depending on your personal story, family relationships in childhood, or your own inherited personal characteristic, you might already have some go to approaches. Some good and some not. If you came from a family where tension was openly navigated and resolved, you likely are pretty successful at repair already.

However, like what seems like most people, you probably didn’t grow up in that utopia of healthy conflict resolution family dynamics. Instead you might now find that in the presence of conflict you become defensive, you pull away, you say hurtful things, you struggle to take accountability, or (this one we see a bunch) you spiral into a shaming story about how terrible of a person you are.

Spoiler alert; there are better ways to make a repair in your relationships. I’ll share a few tips for doing so.

1. First, Take a Breath – Don’t Spiral
   
   When something has happened in a relationship that has caused hurt feelings, it is important to take a moment to just breathe. Taking a moment to breathe will give everyone a chance to calm down and think rationally about what has happened. This sounds simple and thus skippable but you can’t do that. Yes it’s simple and yes you still need to actually do it. Pausing and breathing is how you take a leadership position in your own mind. And if you don’t take a leadership position in your own mind, your old habits and emotions will.

2. Reflect
   
   After everyone has had a chance to calm down, it is helpful to reflect on what happened. Try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. Try to imagine what it might be like on their end where they can’t judge the moment based on what your best intentions were but rather only on what happened. Spend a moment reflecting on your own actions; take a minute to ask yourself sincerely what impulses, motivations, mistakes, or emotions got in the way of your best self.

3. Apologize
   
   This might seem obvious, but it is important to offer a sincere apology. A good apology will take responsibility for your part in the situation and express remorse for how your actions affected the other person. A good apology acknowledges that you hurt someone (intentionally or unintentionally) and that they did not deserve to be hurt in that way.  Be specific in your apology. Don’t just say “I’m sorry.” Say, “I’m sorry that I said your new haircut looked like a mop. I can understand why that was hurtful and I should have been more mindful of my words.”

4. Make Amends
   
   Sometimes an apology isn’t enough to repair a relationship. If you have caused significant damage, you may need to make amends. This could involve doing something to make up for your mistake or changing your behavior in the future. This might mean doing more self-reflection, taking feedback from the other person and showing how your implementing, or maybe taking some other specific action. Whatever it is, this commitment is a gesture and symbol that you are taking the situation seriously. When you hurt someone, you can’t always expect things to immediately go back to normal; making amends is the process in which trust becomes restored. It’s how we know the apology wasn’t just words.

5. Forgive
   
   Just as it is important to apologize, it is also important to forgive. This can be difficult, but holding onto anger and resentment will only hurt you in the long run. Try to let go of your negative feelings and move on. This part is hard sometimes. It can take some time. It certainly takes a lot of self-talk and reflecting. Speaking to support systems like family, friends, or a counselor can help.

6. Seek Counseling
   
   If you are struggling to repair a relationship, it may be helpful to seek counseling. We help people like you uncover their relationship conflict resolution patterns every day. One of our experienced counselors can provide guidance and support as you navigate your own challenges.

Remember, relationships take work but that work opens the door to some wonderful moments of connection. Inevitably, though, you’re gonna mess up and hurt someone you care about. When that happens you’ll find yourself in a position where you need to rebalance the relationship by making a repair. Healthy relationships feel safe and steady and more authentic when both parties know that they can fix problems should they occur rather than walking on eggshells to avoid every potential conflict.

Need more help? Working on repair is something our counselors are teaching every day. Contact us to start improving your own relationships!