7 Tips to Help Your Child with School Anxiety

It’s that time of year when we kids are headed back into a new school year. Each year this brings about a host of unknowns and consequently anxieties. You can help your child learn to respond to their anxiety in healthy ways with these tips.

You Gotta Cheer Before You Can Coach

When your child comes to you with a worry, you will be tempted to “fix it” for them. You will explain why it’s not a big deal and you will give some fantastic advice about how to make it go away because you have lived it before.  When we jump straight into “fix it” mode, we unintentionally minimize the worry itself.

Instead, practice reflective listening. Take a few moments to validate their worry and allow them to put their worry into words. Use the following sentence starters if you need help:

• It sounds like you’re worried that…..
• I think you’re feeling worried that……
• It seems like you’re feeling…..
• You seem really (emotion) about…….

Use the Past

When have you seen your child be anxious in the past? How did they overcome it? Lead your child to a discussion about when they have felt anxious before. Ask them what they were afraid might happen. Ask what actually happened. Ask them about what they did in that situation and what they wish they would have done. Ask about how they related, if at all, to the present situation. Ask them how they wish they could respond or thing about the present situation. If you believe your child can handle their worried about situation, help them come to the same conclusion but asking these questions.

Say things like:

• I remember when you were worried about…… do you remember what you did then?
• This sounds like when you……can you do something similar now?

 

Don’t Encourage Getting Rid of Anxiety

Anxiety thrives on avoidance. When we feel anxious and then tell ourselves, “Oh that’s a bad feeling, I better get rid of it”, we have thrown fuel on the fire.

Our bodies create anxiety when we are growing. The things that make us anxious are also the doorways into personal growth. Rather than have conversations about making anxiety go away, have conversations about what your child will do with their anxiety.

Instead of saying:

• You don’t need to worry about…
• You shouldn’t worry that….

Say:

• I know this is hard, but I’m excited to see how you will learn from this.
• How do you hope you can handle this challenge?
• What do you hope you learn from this experience?
• I know you’re worried, but I look forward to watching you use your (your child’s strength) to manage this.

 

Talk About the Worst Case

Anxiety likes to play a what if game. These “what ifs” are the fears we end up avoiding. Of course they’re usually illogical or unlikely, but honestly, anxiety doesn’t much care about our logic.

Instead of giving logical reasons why the thing won’t happen, have a conversation about what it would be like if it did happen. When we have an idea that we can tolerate the worst case scenario (not want it or like it, just survive it) we are more free to take the risks.

Ask:

• What are you worried might happen?
• How would you know if it happened?
• What would it feel like if it does?
• What would be the worst part of this happening?
• How would you want to respond if it does?

 

Acknowledge Their Willingness to Challenge

When you talk to your child about their worries, be sure to make mention you are proud of them for challenging the fear regardless of the outcome. Try to have conversations about your expectations are that they will challenge their anxiety instead of not feeling anxious.

The best goal for managing anxiety is not actually doing anything with the feeling itself but instead being able to act in ways we would like to despite our anxiety. Having less anxiety is a likely side effect of this goal but should not be the metric we use to praise our children. Praise and celebrate their attempts at challenging anxiety.

 

Be Careful About Accommodating Anxiety

Some anxieties need to be faced and some are okay working around. Be careful about making choices that are only made in order to reduce or avoid anxiety. It’s up to you and your family to decide what is best but be very careful before:

• Taking your child out of school to do home-schooling or homebound.
• Allowing your child to miss classes or days because of anxiety
• Allowing your child to drop out of clubs or sports due to anxiety
• Allowing your child to change classes/teachers/schools
• Picking your child up early from school

It is okay, however, to help your child build small steps towards tackling large anxieties. For example, a child anxious about socializing with new peers might not jump straight into joining the drama club. Instead they might first ask someone for the time one day, then they might borrow a pencil from a peer, then they might compliment someones shoes, then they may ask for help on homework, then they may add a new friend on social media, then maybe ask to sit with someone at lunch. The goal is to build manageable tasks that are challenging anxiety. This is different than adding accommodations which help avoid anxiety.

Model Good Anxiety Skills

Using age appropriate language and examples, talk to your child when you are experiencing some anxiety. Help them understand what it feels like, what you think about, what your anxiety says to do, and what you are actually going to do.

Ask for their advice about how to handle it. Let them brainstorm with you. Ask them if how they feel about you will change based on the anxiety.

Having these conversations allows your child to explore anxiety while they are not in the midst of their own anxiety. Doing so gives them a “mental map” they can refer to when their own anxiety strikes back up.

 

 

Meet the author

Ben Taylor is a counselor in Johnson City and Kingsport, TN. He provides counseling for adolescents, adults, and couples. He specializes in treating Anxiety related concerns including OCD, Panic, Social Anxiety, and PTSD. He also works closely with couples seeking to increase effective communication, navigate infidelity, and rekindle past romances. 

Ben sets himself apart of other counselors by making therapy a more personal experience. He works well with clients new to therapy and challenges the notion of what it means to be in therapy. Ben strives to make therapy a more normal experience by developing a sincere interest in his clients, balancing humor and honesty, and offering a non-judgmental space for creating your ideal self. He takes pride in creating a counseling experience that is genuine enough for laughter and tears but honest enough to talk about what needs to be changed.

When you’re ready to experience counseling that moves you towards your ideal self or relationship, email Ben by clicking below.